BY SARA BENINCASA · JUNE 25, 2014
When women brag on Facebook about having the “best hubby in the world,” I want to buy advance tickets and popcorn to their inevitable divorce. If you really and truly love your husband and you’re actually that happy, why do you need to show off? Is Facebook your own personal delusion billboard?
Like when did husbanding (as opposed to husbandry, something else entirely) become a competition in which your husband is suddenly The Greatest Of All Husbands simply because he exchanged paper money for shiny baubles or, I don’t know, fixed the shower head? And why do you need to send out a massive brag to your “friends”? If it’s such a big deal, can’t you just tell them over the phone or in person?
Why are you trying so desperately to convince the world that you are happy? It’s always the women whose relationships seem a little strained (or super fucked-up) who are the ones posting about having the BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD DAMMIT DON’T LOOK TOO CLOSE OR ASK ANY QUESTIONS JUST ACCEPT THAT OUR CREATED REALITY IS PERFECT BECAUSE I AM SHOVING IT IN YOUR FACE LIKE A JEWS FOR JESUS PAMPHLET!
Hey, I’m not immune to the charms of celebrating one’s love. If it’s your anniversary, by all means, declare your excitement. Here are some examples of fun ways in which to do so: “I’m so delighted to celebrate my anniversary with Jimbo. He is one cool dude.” “Me and Arnold are so happy to go to Cheesecake Factory tonight for our 10th! Woo hoo!” “The kids got up and made us pancakes for our 25th. They’re all surly, terrible teens so you know that means a lot to us.”
And let’s say you just got married. Aww, congratulations! In between posting 18,000 wedding photos of your family’s strained expressions (don’t forget the “wacky” one where everybody makes a silly face! This will show that your family is different from all other, lesser families who have taken this exact same photo!) you may wish to post a status that says something like, “What a wonderful wedding. Looking forward to marriage with my favorite person.” or just “I love Manolo and I’m so glad he is my husband now.” That’s nice. That’s sweet. That’s entirely understandable.
But this thing about the BEST husband — or “hubby,” ewww — has GOT to stop. What’s even worse is something like this: “Sorry ladies, the best man in the world is OFF the market. He’s mine!” Okay, psycho hose beast. Please don’t show up to your next Jazzercise class wearing his skin as a workout suit (if only because it really won’t absorb sweat well at all). Also, you are clearly the kind of woman who is going to stab me for being friends with your husband, so I will show myself the door. Bye-bye.
Look, I like my boyfriend very much. He is a very good person with many good qualities that I do not need to enumerate in detail on Facebook, because if you are my real-life friend, you know why I’m with this fellow, and if you’re not my real-life friend, why would you even care? You wouldn’t, which is why I’m not going to bore you with the details of my fondness for my chosen partner. See how that works? Everyone is happy! And if you’re like, “She just mad cause she ain’t married” — this may blow your mind, but I DO NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED RIGHT NOW. Some day, sure! But not right now. And that’s okay! I am not the best or the worst girlfriend/human/woman and that is okay too!
But enough about me.
I feel like some sort of lady Andy Rooney here, so I’ll stop soon. Ultimately, hypercompetitive wives freak me out because they are boring and empty, and boring and empty people are dangerous. They are dangerous because when they open their mouths at parties I die a little inside and fear I may pop a blood vessel from the strain of not rolling my eyes. If the most fascinating thing you’ve done in your life is get married, I am sorry for you and sad that you do not have a better and more exciting life. I recognize that it’s very nice indeed to meet the love of your life and get hitched (this is great!) but when it is the only interesting thing about you, you are not very interesting at all.
And your husband? Honestly, he’s probably just okay.